drowning
by justateenagebrain
Summary: You dont think that you really want to die you just want it all to stop hurting, you want to feel pain. Because there is a big difference between hurting and pain and you dont want to hurt anymore. Trigger Warning: self-harm, ED, suicide
1. prologue

Sometimes you feel like you're drowning. Drowning in a sea of people, faceless, emotionless, blurs of life. Surrounded by people who dont know you, dont give a damn about you, people who think you're someone who you're not. Someone who loves herself so much that everyone else doesnt matter. You hate your reflection. You look in the mirror and dont recognize yourself. This perfect, blonde, cheerleader who's so talented and so pretty and so very selfish. She's not the person you are or the person who you want to be but she is the person who you have to be because if you're not Russell would be so very angry and when Russell gets angry its not fun. Russell hits hard and tears you apart with every syllable. His harsh words slicing you apart like a knife. You are ugly, you are worthless, fat, untalented, a waste of space. You're a spoiled slut who spread her legs at the first sign that someone would love you. And that's not exactly false because you so desperately want someone to love you. Someone to hold you tight and tell you that its going to be okay.

You've loved so many people but they've never loved you back. Sam, Finn, Puck. and it just _hurts_. it hurts all the time.

Your heart, your brain, your back. It hurts to breathe, it hurts to fake a smile, it hurts to make a bitchy comment about someone who you admire and love so much.

Your entire life just _hurts_ all the time and you want it to stop.

And you think its ironic because for so long you've found comfort in things that hurt. It hurts when you dont eat for four days in an attempt to make yourself beautiful. The insides of you stomach scream in desperation for some sort of food and it feels like your being turned inside out but you relish in the pain because for once you're doing something right. For once you have control, you are perfect and thats something you've wanted to feel for so very long.

You find comfort in the pain of dragging a razor blade across the porcelain skin of stomach, the red line of blood gushing from the slit that you made. This is pain but it is your pain. and it feels good to finally have something that is yours because for so long you havent had that. Everything that is yours some how finds a way to disappear or get ruined. Your body, your boyfriend, your popularity buts most importantly you baby. Your one perfect thing; Beth. You miss her eyes, Puck's eyes, and her curly blonde locks but you only saw her for under two hours and even though you created her and she was yours she never really was _yours_. You are not her mother but she is your one perfect thing and even she is better off without you.

Maybe everyone would be better off without you.

You wonder if anyone would even come to your funeral and sometimes you like to imagine it. You mother, drunk off her ass, doesnt shed a tear as she asks the priest how much the ceremony will cost her because someone as useless as you doesnt deserve to be mourned in such an extravagant way. Your father doesnt even come and you think its better of that way because Frannie would've have thrown a fit. Frannie is your sister. Her flawless skin is tear-stained and mascara tracks run down her cheeks. She throws herself in front of your casket and sobs because she should've been a better sister. She should've been there for you. She should've gotten you out of that god damned house because maybe then you would've lived at least until your graduation.

And you dont think that the Glee club would be there.

You dont deserve for them to be there. You tortured and bullied them in an act to make yourself feel better and you hate yourself oh so much for it now.

When you die you wonder if anyone will remember you for anything good. You wonder if the New Directions will ever find out how you advocated for them to get a page in the yearbook Sophomore year, or if they will ever find out that you really actually enjoyed Glee club most of the time. You enjoyed singing and dancing and being around people who loved each other so much. You just wish someone noticed that you never really belonged.

You wish that someone noticed that you've never really been _okay._ Not ever have you felt good about yourself and you'd like to thank your father for that because the day he kicked you out was actually one of the better days of your life. He set your free from that prison of a house even if it only was for a little while. And for a while living with Mercedes and Puck and Finn you sort of felt love and you saw what it was like to have a family and you craved the so much. And you think that maybe that's why you fought so hard to get your baby back. You wanted a family you've wanted one for a long time.

And you think that maybe Kurt is right. You dont know what pain is like because you think that you have been numb from emotional pain for a long time.

And maybe Finn is right because you havent felt something in a very long time. on the inside you cant feel anything. All you know is that it _hurts_ and youre not sure if it is your emotions that hurt, you think that maybe its just your whole life that hurts. and you think that the only way to escape that is to end it all.

You dont think that you really want to die you just want it all to stop hurting, you want feel pain. Because there is a big difference between hurting and pain and you just dont want to hurt anymore.

Pain you can pinpoint, when you hurt everything just hurts. and you hate that.

So you glare at yourself in the mirror you hate the girl in your reflection so fucking much. You want to punch her because she has caused so many people pain. You dont want to be her anymore.

and as you slice a line from the inside of you elbow to your wrist and you realize that for the first time in a while you are feeling. It feels like your left arm is on fire and there is red everywhere. Your white tile floor is covered in blood but you cant look away.

as you knees go weak and you start to feel lightheaded you discover that for once in your life you have done something right.

the world fades to black and you think its kind of dumb that the only thing you have done completely right your whole life is suicide.

_author's note: not really sure where i want to go with this. It started off as kind of just a drabble and then became something more than that. It might just stay as a one show but it you want it to be more than that review and tell me. _


	2. Santana

Santana Lopez's first reaction is that she cant breathe. Her chest feels like it is collapsing inwards and she struggles to force air into her not cooperating lungs she swallows down bile that was quickly rising into her throat and gasps for air. This cant be happening. It just cant be.

Its June 3rd, three months after Quinn's accident, one week after nationals and two weeks before graduation when she gets the call. Its a Tuesday during Glee club and Mr. Schuester is teaching a lesson about expressing yourself through music and she stopped paying attention awhile ago when her phone vibrating in her pocket brings her back to earth. It's her father and the the last time he called her was when Quinn got in her accident so she answers her phone ignoring the shouts of protest from Rachel and the rest of the club. Santana can feel her heart pounding in her chest because she has a bad feeling that something had happened, and her intuition is never wrong.

When he tells her she doesnt want to believe it, She cant believe it and she starts hyperventilating, she thinks she is gonna pass out because this was the last thing she thought was gonna happen. She wants to puke. She can still hear her father's words ringing in her ears; suidcide. Quinn. hospital. Her brain cant seem to process this information and her phone slips from her hand shattering on the tile floor. The next three seconds are a chaos of questions, questions that she doesnt want to answer because she cant be the one to break the news to them but she doesnt have a choice.

"Quinn tried to kill herself" she says in a voice that she can't even recognize and its happening again. There are gasps and tears and Rachel looks like she wants to curl herself inwards and Puck turns a weird shade of green and purple and looks like he wants to punch something and Kurt just looks guilty. And Santana really just hates that its happening again, That three months ago they were in this exact something situation except Rachel was in a wedding dress and Finn was in a tux.

And at that moment Santana hates Quinn because shes always trying to leave them and she just really really hopes that this time its not for good because even though she's a bitch to Quinn she really loves her and she doesnt know how she would cope if Quinn...if she didnt make it. She doesnt think she would be the same.

She feels a small soft hand tug on her arm and sees her tall blonde girlfriend staring down at her. There is a flurry of movement and all of a sudden everyone is making their way to the door, everyone is crying, everyone is devastated that once again they were going to sit in those damn straight backed hospital chairs. Once again they didnt know if they would ever see Quinn again.

The ride to the hospital is silent each person thinking about the last thing they said to Quinn. Quinn who tried to kill herself, Quinn would wanted to die. Quinn who didnt realize how fucking much she meant to all of them. And it killed her to imagine how sad Quinn must've been to want leave this earth. And she thinks that maybe Quinn has always been sad and maybe thats why she didnt want to live anymore. She wonder how much she doesnt know about her blonde friend and she just cant believe that she missed the signs because she knows them. They teach them in school every single year and she hates herself for not noticing them and she hates everyone else for not noticing them either but she guesses its hard to notice when someone is falling apart when they havent been put together in a long, long time.

As they arrive at the hospital Santana cant help but cry because here they are again. The eleven of them and Mr. Schue sitting in that damn waiting room and in those stupid chairs and you just want your father to come out from behind the emergency room doors and tell her that this is all a joke. That her best friend didnt really try to kill herself. She wants Quinn to round-off backhandspring out from behind those doors and make fun of her for crying but she knows thats not going to happen and it makes her cry even more.

Mercedes is the first one to speak since you all left the choir room and her voice cracks and breaks before she clears her throat and tries again choking back a sob. "I think...shouldnt someone call her parents?" she says and Santana squeezes her eyes shut because something tells her that that really really isnt a good idea but she knows that if she opens her mouth she will throw up and she doesnt want to deal with that right now so she just grimaces while she hands over her cell phone with Mrs. Fabray's number typed into the keypad.

The moment Judy Fabray answers everything goes to hell because she is out of her mind drunk and doesnt even give a shit when Mr. Schuester tells her that her that her daughter tried to kill herself. And Santana really wants to hit someone when Judy says that she was the one that found Quinn and that even if her slut of a daughter survives this she's not welcome back at that stupid house on Dudley road because Quinn destroyed her expensive white floors with her blood. And she actually does punch a wall when she hear Mr. Fabray in the background yelling that his worthless daughter deserved to die anyways.

When Mr. Schue hangs up the phone she looks around at all the shocked faces around her and suddenly it hits her. Judy and Russell are the reason behind all of this. They are the reason why Quinn hates herself so much, they are the reason why Quinn never invited her over unless her parents were away, they are the reason why Quinn didnt ever change unless it was in private, and why there always seemed to be more scars and bruises on Quinn everytime Santana saw her and she hates the Fabrays.

Santana hates the Fabrays. She hates them so much but the only thing she can really do right now is sit in that straight backed chair, ignore the throbbing in her hand and wait for her father to come out from behind those stupid doors and tell her that her best friend it going to be okay.

authors note: heres chapter two. Review if you want me to continue


	3. Kurt

The only thing that Kurt knows is that he feels guilty; so very guilty. He feels guilty because he mocked and criticized her pain. He downplayed the utter torture that Quinn Fabray had obviously been going through, he just never thought she would fall apart this hard, this fast. And he guesses that maybe shes been falling apart for a long time. Maybe she never really ever was put together. He admires her for that because when he's sad everyone knows it. He suspects that Quinn has been sad forever.

All those bitchy comments seem to wipe from his memory because right now Quinn is broken. Because he discovers that maybe she never really meant them. He discovers that maybe she didn't know any better and he discovers that he really fucking hates the fabray's. He completely and utterly loathes them because Quinn Fabray is supposed to go to Yale. Quinn Fabray is supposed to be perfect all the time and he wonders how tiring it must be to carry around that facade. How heavy it must be to be someone else, someone who she didnt want to be and he admires her.

Kurt has always admired Quinn. He admires the way everything she does looks graceful. He admires her stunning beauty and the way that she always seemed to bounce back from everything life hit her with. Kurt guesses that all that bouncing had to get tiring eventually. Maybe that's why she did this. Maybe she was just tired.

Kurt's hand instinctively goes to his pocket and he stands up because he has the sudden urge to call his father. He steps outside into the crisp summer air and palms his face while trying to control his breathing. Burt Hummel answers on the third ring.

"Dad" Kurt says, voice low and trembling, "Dad something's happened"

"What? are you okay? is it Finn?" and Kurt signs feeling a fresh round of tears coming to his eyes.

"No...its Quinn, dad she, she tried to kill herself" he sobs out . He doesnt understand why he is crying this much. Burt sighs in the background

"Is she going to be alright?" he asks and Kurt shakes his head into the phone.

"We dont know." he chokes out. "But dad we think...we called the Fabrays and dad i think they used to hit her" Burt gasps. "so i just...i just wanted to thank you for being the best dad i could ever ask for" Kurt says full on sobbing now because he wonder if Quinn ever felt like this.

"I love you Kurt. You're my son and i love you. never forget that" Burt says and they say their goodbyes and hang up the phone.

Kurt wonders if anyone ever told Quinn that they love her. He feels guilty because he told her that the world never stopped loving her when really the world never started and he hates himself for telling her that, for downplaying her pain. He hates everyone else for being as oblivious as him but mostly right now he just really hates Quinn. He hates her for making them go through this over and over again. He hates her for trying to leave them so many times. He hates her for hating herself because Quinn Fabray is so very perfect and he just doesnt understand how she cant see that. He thinks that maybe no one ever told her because everyone assumed she already knew.

So he hates her. But her really really loves her too because Quinn fabray is just crazy enough to be sad. Just crazy enough to be the glue that holds them all together. Quinn wouldnt be Quinn is she wasnt absolutely insane and then he realizes that Quinn never really was Quinn; Quinn has always been Lucy. Lucy Quinn Fabray.

That two hundred pound thirteen year old that was teased and bullied and never really felt accepted. He guesses that even though she lost almost one hundred pounds and even though she died her hair and even though she got a nose job she never really stopped being Lucy Quinn. She never really became Quinn or at least she never really became the Quinn that everyone knows. He guesses that even though she lost one hundred pounds and died her hair and even though she got a nose job she never stopped hating herself and Kurt thinks thats sad because he knows that she told Mercedes that shes never felt at home in her body and he thinks that thats so incredibly sad but the very beautiful kind of sad. Quinn has always will be beautiful even when she is sad, especially when shes sad.

So he makes his way back into the waiting room and he can feel all the tears and he can feel all the anguish even before he sees them and it kills him to see all of his friends so very sad. This is not the beautiful kind of sad. This is the sad kind of sad and he doesnt like it.

Kurt sits down and puts his head in his hands and just really wishes that he had three wishes because he would wish for Quinn to get better, for her to love herself, for her to be alive. But he doesnt have three wishes and he hears a chair scrape against the ground and Santana is standing up and Santana is crying and Santana is talking to her father and he knows that right now this is all that matters.

authors note: three chapters in less then 24 hours? wow. so this is kind of short because i've never actually written Kurt before and it might be kind of ooc but i dont know. Review and tell me who you guys want me to write next.


	4. Rachel

Rachel Berry is thirsty. Her mouth is dry and her throat feels like sandpaper and she feels just so very thirsty. And she wants to thank her dads because unlike Quinn she cant tell the difference between being thirsty and just being sad. Because unlike Quinn she has parents that love her. She wipes the tears from down her face and just cant believe that this is happening again. She just cant understand why Quinn is always trying to die. She cant understand why Quinn is always trying to leave this earth or why she hates herself so much. Rachel never thought that she would see the day where Quinn Fabray tried to die. She never thought she'd see that day where all of Quinn Fabray's demons were shown to the world.

Rachel just really cant understand how a parent can hit their own child, how they can hit their own creation, their own flesh and blood. Parents are supposed to love their children indefinitely and she feels so bad for Quinn because she doesnt think that Quinn has ever been told that someone loves her which makes her so damn thirsty.

When Santana's father enters the waiting room its like all the air leaves the room. No one is breathing. He tells them that Quinn cut herself from her the inside of her elbow to her wrist. She lost a lot of blood he says. She needed twenty-eight stitches and flatlined once but right now she is stable he says.

And suddenly Rachel can breathe again. She forces air into her heaving lungs and gasps for air. Quinn is alive. She almost died but shes still alive. And even though Quinn is alive Rachel knows that most likely shes never going to be the same and she knows that most likely Quinn is not going to be okay and to tells herself that she will do anything to make Quinn be okay again.

Rachel thinks that one of the most unnerving things about this whole situation is that Santana is crying. No she is not just crying, she is full on sobbing. Its the kind of sobbing thats loud and messy and shes gripping her father tight and Brittany is rubbing her back and she notices a stain of red from under his lab coat and Rachel cries a little harder because she knows that that is blood, Quinn's blood and suddenly this all feels so very real.

Quinn tried to kill herself. Quinn who was supposed to go to Yale. Quinn who is supposed to be valedictorian. Quinn who just learned to walk again.

"Can we see her?" Rachel asks because she doesnt think she will believe that Quinn is alive until she actually sees her. Cats have nine lives not humans and Quinn has almost left this earth so many times. Santana's father nods and tells the eleven teenagers and Mr. Schue that Quinn can have visitors but only four at a time.

Santana obviously is the first one to speak up because even though the make fun of each other Quinn is in fact her best friend and she will do anything to see her damn it. Santana says that obviously Brittany will come with her and Puck and finally Rachel. There are shouts of protest from the left over New Directions because why does Rachel get to see her. Mercedes should see her she lived with her and Santana looks at them and scowls.

"Rachel is coming because unlike the rest of you she never gave up on Quinn." Santana says squeezing Rachel's hand and pulling her through the doors.

All Rachel knows is that she is confused and nervous and scared. Shes confused because Santana is crying and shes being so nice to her. Shes confused because she is Rachel manhands Berry and Santana is well...shes Santana and she wonders how much she does not know about the three Cheerios. She wonders how much they all dont know. She wonders how many secrets they are hiding and she guesses she is about to find out one of them.

"Theres something you all should know." Mr. Lopez says turning to the four teens and laying a hand on his daughter's shoulder. "Quinn is obviously not in a very good state of mind right now and she probably hasnt been for a very long time."

"We know about what her parents did to her" Puck says speaking for the first time since they arrived at the hospital.

"I know you do but that's not what im talking about. One of the things we are most concerned about is that when Quinn was brought in she was very malnourished and dehydrated."

"What does that mean?" Santana said looking up at her father

"We think Quinn's been starving herself." Rachel feels like shes going to throw up, "We also found other self-inflicted cuts...shes been hurting herself." Rachel does throw up. She throws up in the trash can outside Quinn's hospital room tears and snot streaming down her face. She feels a soft hand pull her hair away from her face and rub her back and she looks over her shoulder to see Brittany smiling sadly down at her. Sweet innocent Brittany. Brittany who cares so much about everyone. Brittany who loves Quinn so very much. Quinn who is lying unconscious is a hospital bed behind that door. Quinn who tried to kill herself.

Rachel straightens up and wipes her mouth with the napkin Puck offered her. She doesnt want to hold them up any longer so she smooths out her skirt and looks at Santana

"Im okay" Rachel says and Santana nods before turning and opening the hospital room door and when Rachel sees Quinn she realizes that shes not thirsty shes just very very sad.

_author's note: another chapter yay. Im sorry about how depressing this is its kind of therapeutic for me lol this'll probably be the last chapter of the day because i have to go to work soon. Review with any people you want me to write or any suggestions you have_


	5. Puck

Noah Puckerman doesnt like to cry in front of people. He doesnt like to show emotion because he is supposed to be the big bad jock, he is supposed to be the bad boy, he is not supposed to be standing in Quinn Fabray's hospital room with hot tears rolling down his face. He is not supposed to be here right now. He cant be here right now. He cant look at Quinn like vigile in that fucking hospital bed. He cant go through this again.

Noah Puckerman has cried in front of people three times in his entire life. The first time was when his daughter was born. Beth was his one perfect thing and as they took her away her felt the barriers breaking down and he cried. The next time was three months ago. He thought Quinn was going to die, they told him that there was a chance that she was going to die and he sobbed. He sobbed loud sobs as he gripped her cold, limp hand, praying to every and any god he could think of because Quinn couldnt leave him. She just couldnt.

Right now is the third time. and its funny because the only person who seems to be able to make him cry is Quinn Fabray. Quinn who carried his child for nine months. Quinn who is supposed to go to Yale. Quinn who has been through so much shit in her whole life. Quinn who is once again lying unconscious in a hospital bed.

And Noah knows that this is somewhat his fault because he he never got her pregnant, if he just wore a damn condom, if he didnt cheat on his best friend then maybe this wouldn't be happening. Maybe Quinn would just a little sad. Maybe Quinn would just be the kind of sad that takes time not the kind of sad the wants to die.

And he thinks that its the fact that Quinn didnt want to live anymore that kills him because he never expected her to be so fucking selfish. She didnt realize how many people care about her, she didnt realize that he cares about her, the he loves her, that he could do anything for her. And he thinks that maybe she just got tired of trying to hang on, of trying to wait for things to get better. Shes been six feet away from the edge for so long and no one realized it. He didnt realize it. He guesses that when you hold on for so long it gets tiring and you lose hope. He thinks that Quinn probably lost hope.

There are so many things he wants to do and say to Mr. and Mrs. Fabray. He wants to hit them and he doesnt even care that its illegal to hit a woman because she deserves it. She deserves to feel what its like to be punched and kicked. He wants them to feel what Quinn went through for god how long. He guesses that this is probably why Quinn used to flinch away from him if he ever get angry or why she didnt change in front of him or why she always kept her shirt on when he was around. Its probably why she hates it so much when he drinks and he feels awful he hates himself for not noticing anything was wrong. But mostly he hates the Fabrays for not being parents, for destroying one of the most beautiful people to ever walk the Earth. He knows that there is a saying that God only gives people as much as he thinks they can handle and he thinks that maybe this time God was wrong. Quinn couldnt handle this. He doesnt think anyone could and he just is so angry because his Quinn didnt deserve this. His Quinn deserves to be loved and held and told that she is beautiful and perfect.

His Quinn is lying in a hospital bed, eyes closed and face pale white. Her lips were not their usual rosy pink they're chapped and peeling and he thinks that she is probably thirsty. He doesnt ever look at her left arm. he cant look at her left arm because he knows its lying under the blanket next to her and he knows whats under that blood stained gauze and he just really really doesnt think he can handle that right now.

Rachel is crying and Santana is crying and Brittany is just staring at Quinn. He thinks that shes probably wondering why Quinn wont open her eyes. He focuses on the rise and fall of her chest and collapses in a chair next to her bed side.

"God Quinn" he says gripping her hand tightly and lightly pressing her knuckles to his lips. Here they are again. The four of them sitting vigil by the blonde girl's bed side and he feels a little bit of deja vu because here he was three months ago in this very same positiion. Except Quinn was texting and driving and Quinn didnt want to die.

Quinn tried to kill herself.

He sobs even harder.

Santana sobs even harder.

Rachel sobs even harder.

Brittany stares at Quinn.

The four of you sit in silence the only sound is the heart monitor in the corner slowly beeping and the sound of sobbing coming from Santana and Rachel. They are messing, loud criers. Noah is not. Noah is the kind of crying that you dont expect. Noah is the quiet kind of sobbing, shoulders shaking tears running down his face. Noah doesnt like to cry in front of people. Quinn Fabray is the only one who seems to be capable of making him cry in public.

Theres a sharp intake of breath and he glances at Quinn's face. Her eyes are fluttering and eventually they open. He loves her eyes.

"You scared the shit out of us Q" He says squeezing her hand tighter and she glances at him. Face crumbling, and then there they are the five of them all crying together all holding each other.

"I'm so sorry" She says "I just didnt want to hurt anymore" and Noah Puckerman doesnt think he can cry any harder.

_author's note: this was written in 45 minutes but i really wanted to get it up. i have to go to work now so ill probably post some time tomorrow please review. Also here are some songs i listened to while writing this_

_Beautiful -Bethany Dillion_

_Devastated -Gemma Hayes_

_Build You Up -Kim Taylor_

_Hanging by a thread -Jann Arden_


	6. Quinn

The first thing you're aware of is the sound of crying, the sound of sobbing. You're aware of someone gripping your right hand tightly, of someone whispering soft words into your ear. You're aware of the fact that its feels like there is cement holding your eyelids shut and you're aware of the fact that it feels like your left arm has been sliced in half and then you realize that it was. You remember it all now and you gasp softly because now everyone knows, they know all your demons, all you weaknesses and if theres one thing you never wanted its to appear weak.

You think its kind of pathetic that you cant even commit suicide correctly.

And all you devils all your demons all your skeletons, they are wide open and it kills you and suddenly your insides feel like they are on fire and you feel like you're going to upchuck because you tried to die.

You tried to die.

and you force your eyes open squinting at the bright sunlight shining through the blinds. Everything is too bright and everything is too clean and everything is too quiet and you regret opening your eyes because Rachel is there and shes crying and Brittany is staring at you and Santana is sobbing these loud heart-wrenching sobs and Puck is there.

Puck has tears streaming down his face.

Puck is crying rivers of sorrow, hand gripping yours and now hes talking to you. You scared the shit out of us he says out of me he says and you crumble. You crumble into yourself your face caving inwards and you want to crawl inside yourself

"Im so sorry" You say and you're not sure who you are apologizing to. You think maybe you're apologizing to them but maybe you apologizing to yourself because maybe if you were just a little stronger, had a thicker skin. Maybe if you were just a little more beautiful, just a little more brave you wouldnt be so weak. You think that your friends are lucky because they can still feel. And you think that maybe you're not apologizing to them because you think maybe those that are still feeling, those that are still bleeding are the lucky ones. You are not a lucky one,

You realize that you called them your friends.

You realize that you're numb and you think that maybe its better to not feel anything then to feel everything. At least you're not hurting anymore. And you think that maybe they've got you on so much morphine you wouldnt be able to feel it if you got run over by a truck.

You want to laugh because you already did that. And you want to laugh because of how ironic it is that the sun is out. That everything is so damn bright and you think that maybe if you follow the light you'll disappear.

You just really really want to go to neverland.

You think that maybe if it was dark you would meet your creator.

You want to ask him why hes doing this to you. Why he makes you suffer so much. What did you do to have to feel like this? Why do you always feel like you're suffocating. You think that maybe you've been suffocating for a long time. You havent been able to breathe for a long long time. Before you sliced open your arm. Before your lungs collapsed on you. Before you got hit by a truck. Before you were a skank. Before you got pregnant. Before. Before. Before.

You dont know if you believe in god anymore.

"How long have i been here" you ask not recognizing your own voice.

"A couple hours." Rachel says and you think that someone should probably get her some water because shes probably thirsty. And you wonder what its like to not know the difference between being sad and being thirsty.

"Why are you all here?" you say and you look at all their shocked tear stained faces and you wish you could feel bad for them. You wish you could feel some sort of emotion but in reality you just feel empty.

"Quinn" Rachel sobs and you want her to stop because shes so damn loud and shes so damn sad. "Quinn we're here because we care about you...we love you Quinn" and you shake your head. They dont love you they're only saying that because you wanted to die, because you want to die. You're unlovable.

"You dont..no one does" you squeeze your eyes shut because you dont want to look at them. You cant look at them. At their messy faces and their messy apologies, you dont want to see them feel sorry for you.

"God Quinn stop… just stop." Santana says and you dont open your eyes. "Stop being so fucking selfish." you want to hit her because you're lying in a hospital bed. because you deserve to be selfish for once.

"Get out" you say never opening your eyes. You think maybe it would be easier if you were blind. Maybe it would be easier to not have to see because you know Santana is crying. You know Puck is crying. You know Rachel is crying. You know Brittany is staring at you and you think it would be easier if you just didnt have to see them. "Santana, i want you to leave. I want you all to leave actually." you hear a crash and you know someone punched the wall next to your bed. You know it was Santana.

"Open you eyes and look at me. LOOK AT ME!" Shes yelling at you and you squeeze you eyes shut even harder because with yelling comes insults, with yelling comes beatings. The beep beep beep of you heart monitor speeds up "Why cant you see that we're all here because we love you? We love you so much why cant you realize that? Do you have any idea how hard it is to continuously think that you're going to die?" shes still yelling and you're crying and you cant breathe

"Shut up...please just stop" You sob and it feels like theres something on your lungs and Puck's holding you. Puck is whispering in your ear, telling you to just breathe.

"The four of us love you so much and theres eight people in the waiting room who love you too you cant keep trying to leave us Q" she says and then shes holding you and then Rachels holding you and then Brittanys holding you.

You pull away from them and open your eyes. and you apologize again and again and again. You just wanted to stop hurting you say. Finn was right you say you dont feel anything anymore. Theres a difference between hurting and feeling pain and you wanted to be able to feel again. You wanted to escape because things are bad, so very bad. they havent been good in a long time you say. You havent been good a long time you say. You just wanted to feel.

"We're gonna help you Q." Puck says "All of us we're gonna help you" and you want to believe them you really do but there have been so many broken promises. So many broken memories. and you're so sick of broken things.

You know that sometimes things that are broken can not be fixed and sometimes they can be but you're not sure which one you are.

_authors note: im really proud of this chapter and i spent a lot of time on it because this morning i went and re-read the last chapter and it was kind of shitty so i want to apologize. Anyways please review and tell me what you guys want to see next. If i get **five reviews** on this chapter ill post another one this afternoon. I write these as i go and i dont really plan them out so if y'all want to see something review and tell me. Heres some recommended listening _

_Smother- Daughter_

_Medicine- Daughter_

_Damien Rice- Prague_

_Heart Cry- Drehz _


	7. Frannie

Frannie Fabray should be surprised that her sister was in the hospital again. She should be surprised that her sister tried to kill herself. She should be surprised that her parents once again kicked her sister out of the house but she wasnt. She wasnt surprised at all because unlike everyone else she knew Quinn. She knew what she was going through because she is a Fabray. She knows what its like to feel her father's rage. She knows what its like to be told that she was worthless, that she was useless, ugly, stupid, a waste of space. Shes been there but her poor little sister, her poor little Lucy has been through so much more and she thinks its a miracle that shes made it this far.

So when the hospital calls her to tell her that her sister tried to kill herself, to tell her that her sister wanted to stop living, to stop breathing, to build a home six feet under ground she cant help but not be surprised. And she hates herself for not being there for her sister. She hates herself for not getting her out of that god damn house and she can feel her knees go weak and her eyes tear up. Shes seeing stars and she feels like shes going to pass out and her boyfriend and her best friend are asking her questions, they're staring at her with these concerned looks as she collapses onto the floor. My sister tried to kill herself she tells them and the words taste like charcoal and they're hard to choke out and they block her throat and she has to remind herself to breathe because Quinn is in the hospital. Quinn is probably alone. Quinn is probably scared.

Quinn who tried to kill herself

Quinn who didnt want to live anymore

Quinn who tried to take a dirt nap.

Frannie doesnt remember what happened next. She doesnt remember packing her bags and she doesnt remember driving to the hospital. The only thing she can focus is seeing her sister because this is her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. and it makes her nauseous. She thinks back to all the times in the bathroom when she would hold little Lucy to her chest and whisper reassurances into her ear. To bandaging Lucy's injuries and middle of the night trips to the hospital when she got a particularly bad injury. She remembers Lucy always looking for some kind of acceptance from her father, she remembers being praised while Lucy was brought into her father's study and torn apart emotionally and beaten down physically. She remembers what its like to feel useless.

And then she remembers that Lucy isnt Lucy anymore Lucy hasnt been Lucy for a very long time. Lucy is Quinn and Quinn is destroyed, Quinn is sad. Quinn is beautiful and it makes her so upset to know that Quinn doesnt see it. To know that Quinn hates herself and she thinks its her fault. She knows its her fault.

Frannie arrives at the front desk of the hospital and she knows that she must look absolutely insane because theres makeup all over her face and shes crying and shes wearing pajamas but she needs to see Quinn. She needs to.

"Room 118" The receptionists says and she takes off in a run. Ignoring the shouts at her to slow down.

In the waiting room outside Quinn's room there are seven teenagers and one adult and Frannie doesnt recognize any of them but they all look completely heartbroken she thinks that they're probably the New Directions. She cant help but think that this is the weirdest group of people shes ever seen in her entire life and then she hates herself because these kids were there for Quinn when she wasnt.

"Are you all here for Quinn" she asks them and they and look at her confused. "My names Frannie, im her sister." she says and she thinks about how long its been since she's said that.

"We called your parents" a darker skinned girl that she thinks is probably Mercedes says and she grimaces. Judy and Russell Fabray are not her parents. They have never been her parents and they arent Quinns either she says and she wonders how much Quinn has actually told them. She wonders if Quinn has had any one to confide in and she feels even more quilty.

Taking a deep breath she opens the door to room 118 and sees four people surrounding her sisters bed. All eyes turn to her and shes sees her sister for the first time in years. She is beautiful and sad and she has a large bandage wrapped around her left arm and Frannie feels nauseous because she knows whats under that bandage.

"Lucy" she says running forwards to embrace her but she stops three feet from the bed because Quinn had mumbled a soft "no" and she stares at her, and she stares at her and she stares at her.

"No you dont get to do this." Quinn says and Frannie wishes she could disappear. " You dont get to come in here and pretend like you give a shit about me. You dont get to do that because i dont need that. You dont give a shit about me you havent since you left for college."

"But Lucy, im...you're my sister" she chokes out

"Dont call me that!" Quinn yells and Frannie knows shes angry because the beep beep beep of the heart monitor is speeding up. "You're not my sister, you're not my family. The only family i have are the four people in this room and the eight that are still waiting outside my room. You gave up on me Frannie and i hate you for that" Quinn says and suddenly shes crying and shes gripping Santana and Frannie knows that should be her. She should be consoling her sister.

She slowly approaches the bed and kisses the top of her sisters head

"Im so sorry" shes says before walking out the door to Quinn's room and walking out of the hospital.

_author's note: so i didnt get five reviews but im going to my grandmothers house tonight and i have to work tomorrow so i dont know when ill be able to post again...heres another chapter down i have no idea how many are left in this thing because i dont actually plan out this story at all lol. Do you guys think i can get five more reviews before the next chapter? i just really love to hear your feedback. Some recommended listening:_

_After The Storm- Mumford and Sons _


	8. Finn

Finn Hudson hates hospitals. He hates the way that the white walls fade into the white floors and the white floors fade into the white, pale faces of the visitors. He hates the fact that he never really can escape the sound of sobbing, the sound of the beep beep beeping of heart monitors. He hates the fact that he never really can get rid of the smell of bleach and it seeps into his insides and makes him dizzy.

Finn Hudson hates hospitals because in the past three years hes been to the hospital four times. Three out of the four times were for Quinn Fabray. Three out of the four times he sat in the hospital waiting room, pacing back and forth, heart beating fast. He thinks that his heart might try to jump out of his chest and he thinks he might not mind that because no matter how hard he tries he cant get it to stop. He thinks it might be easier if he could just crawl inside himself or disappear because this is his fault.

He wonders how many other people are blaming themselves.

He thinks that thats kind of funny.

Its funny that no one seemed to give a damn when Quinn was practically homeless. Its funny that nobody cared when she was falling apart. Ripping apart at the seams and breaking down. Its funny how no one cared when when she did break. She broke into a million different pieces, her porcelain skin sliced open by the shattered glass of her car.

Quinn was texting and driving.

Quinn was texting Rachel.

Quinn was going to his wedding.

Quinn almost died.

Quinn almost died again.

Quinn wanted to die.

He thinks thats so incredibly sad and he wonders how long shes been sad for. He wonders if shes always been sad and he was just so oblivious. he thinks thats always been true and he kind of hates himself for noticing it and he kind of hates everyone else for not noticing it but Quinn lived with him. She lived with him and he didnt notice anything wrong. He didnt notice how she never undressed in front of him. He didnt notice the way she flinched away from him when he got mad and he didnt notice the way she cried at night by herself. Skin radiating in the moonlight blonde hair hiding her face like viel he used to think Quinn looked like an angel.

He thinks that Quinn still looks like an angel.

But then he thinks its kind of ironic because Quinn almost became an angel.

She almost became an angel twice and that scares him.

Finn thought he was scared when Quinn went into labor at regionals. He thought he was scared when he first saw her after the accident. Her entire body covered in tubes and wires and bruises and bandages and he thought that if her insides were as broken as her outside then its amazing that she was still alive.

He doesnt think Quinn's insides ever healed.

He thinks that they've been broken for a long time and hes had enough broken limbs to know that you can bandage them but they take time to heal and they take resting and he realizes that Quinn hasnt had time or rest and then it all makes sense.

He remembers the way Quinn used to take too much time getting ready in the morning. How she used to stare at herself in the mirror for just a little too long and he used to think that she was just admiring her beauty. He used to admire her beauty all the time. But really Quinn was scrutinizing herself, scrutinizing every inch of her body and he remembers the way her hands used to pass over her baby bump and she'd bite her lip and hold back tears and squeezed her eyes shut. He remembers the way that she used to skip breakfast and lunch and only eat a salad at dinner and he remembers all the excuses all the i ate before i cames and im just not really hungry right nows and he just cant believe he didnt notice. He cant believe none of them noticed.

Finn thinks that Frannie looks so much like Quinn. All long limbs and dancer graceful and stop you in your tracks stunning but shes not as beautiful and Finn doesnt understand how that can be because Frannie and Quinn could be twins.

Frannie isnt sad.

Finn thinks that Frannie isnt sad and thats what makes them different. He thinks that even though Quinn is sad its the very beautiful kind of sad. The sad that makes him want to hug her, the sad that makes him still love her.

He loves Rachel.

He loves Quinn.

But he loves them in so many different ways. He wants to marry Rachel but he wants to hold Quinn. He thinks of Quinn as his sister and he cant help but hate seeing his sister sad.

Rachel, Santana and Brittany come out of Quinns room and he thinks its probably good that she's not left alone. He thinks its kind of good that Puck is the one who is with her.

He goes over to Rachel and gathers her in his arms and theres something so comforting about the way she fits into his body perfectly. He find it so comforting the way that she holds him tight, afraid to let go and he hold her tight too because Finn thinks that things that arent help onto drift away and shatter

Just like quinn.

authors note: look another completely depressing chapter is anyone surprised? so anyways i just really want to thank one of my most awesome reviewers im honored that you love my story so much. This chapter was kind of sad to write because i miss Cory so much. RIP Cory Monteith i love you

Fix You -Coldplay


	9. Quinn (3)

Your arm aches and your eyes ache and your heart aches and you guess that your whole life pretty much just aches and you thought that trying to kill yourself would make everything stop hurting but now you realize that it just made everything hurt a little more. Your stomach aches and you wonder when the last time you ate was. You dont actually think you care.

Puck is staring at you.

He's the only one left in the room and the way hes looking at you makes you want to burst into tears because he just looks broken and hes looking at you like you're a wounded animal and you wonder how bad you look right you think that you probably dont care. You wonder if you even have any tears left and you dont think you do. You run your hands over the long patch of gauze running from just above the inside of your elbow to your wrist and you cant help but wonder how many stitches it took to sew you back together and you want to laugh because you cant help but think that even though they sewed your porcelian skin back together they didnt even touch the inside.

You want to laugh because the damage on the inside will take way more then a couple of stitches and a bandage to fix.

Puck is staring at you.

You know there are so many things he wants to say to so you reach out and grab his hand. Its shaking and you can help but think that its your fault. Its your fault for causing everyone so much pain. You've caused them so much pain over the years and you dont think that you deserve their sympathy. You dont deserve their pity you dont deserve anything they've given you and you feel so selfish.

"Why did you do it" Puck says in barely a whisper and you dont know how to answer that so you shake your head and squeeze your eyes shut because the pressure behind your eyeballs is becoming too much and you think that if you cry anymore you're probably going to flood the whole room. You think that you kind of want to drown. To float to the bottom of the ocean and close your eyes and just never feel again.

"Why did you do it" he asks again and you shake your head and still dont open your eyes because thats such a loaded question. "Please Quinn" he says and you might be imagining it because he was so quiet.

"I just didnt want to hurt anymore" you say and it isnt a lie but it isnt exactly the truth. You didnt want to hurt anymore. You didnt want to feel like there was no escape. You wanted to feel. You wanted to have something to control. You didnt want to feel worthless anymore. But you dont say those things because those are your private things and you dont really have anything private anymore so you wanted to hold onto this for as long as possible.

You feel Puck let go of your hand and you hear him get up and leave the room and you're alone. You've always been alone. You've never felt accepted in your entire life and you cant start now. You open you eyes and stare at the cieling. The white tiles and white walls and white cieling probably match your white face and white lips and you want to sink into them. You imagine they are clouds and you imagine floating away, away from this hell called existence. Away from your abusive father and your drunk of a mother and you not sister who's tears you found to be unnerving because shes hasnt cried for you in a long long time. She didnt cry when you called and told her you were pregnant, she didnt cry when you got hit by a truck but now she chooses to cry.

You wonder how many tears have been cried over you and you hate yourself a little more because you're a liar and a cheater and you dont deserve to be cried over.

The door opens and you think its probably Rachel or Santana so you open your eyes an dglance at it. Its neither of them.

Its Kurt.

You think you probably should be angry because a couple months ago he sat there and criticized you for you pain and now here he is in you hospital room with tears flowing from his eyes and onto his jacket.

The world never stopped loving you he said.

Suicide is selfish you said.

and you laugh at how ridiculous both of those accusations are now.

Now that you tried to slice open your arm.

Now that you went off the deep end.

Now that you tried to take a dirt nap.

"im so sorry Quinn" he says and you shake you head because everyone keeps apologizing to you when you should be the one who is apologizing to them. "i had no idea...we all had no idea." he says and thats when you know that the know everything and you want to scream.

but you dont. You just sit there and stare at him and he wipes away tears and tries to grab his hand. You let him because ever since Puck left you've been really craving some human interaction. Something to tell you that you're not alone. Someone to love you. "Please say something" He says

"The world did stop loving me Kurt" you say "the world stopped loving me a long time ago" and you roll onto your right side away from him and close your eyes listening to the steady beeping of you heart monitor in the background as it lulls you into oblivion and you sink into the blackness.

_authors note: wow i kind of suck huh. I cant believe i went almost two days without updating but i was so extremely busy. i worked ridiculously long shift both last night and the night before that (subway sucks) and ive been trying to get all my stuff together for my first year of college this year and i had a dance class today and also ive spent the last two days reading **WaveGoodBye's** **comfortably numb** and i totally recommend it because its so good. anyways here you chapter and i think its kind of shitty but review please. Also i just really love writing from quinn's pov because i feel like i cant relate to her in a weird way idk. _

_Follow me on twitter: werkvato _

_ instagram: lexiiielaine_

_and listen to medicine by Daughter or pretty much anything by them because they're amazing _


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